New Addition

Timmy and I have become puppy parents!!  She is the SWEETEST thing ever!  She is a wire haired terrier.  Right now she is about 6 pounds, and will probably get to about 20 or so.


This is her...we call her Molly.

It has been a whirlwind since we got her. We got home with her around noon yesterday.  Around 3 she started throwing up. :( saddest thing ever.  She wouldn't eat anything and really wouldn't play.  I thought she might just be stressed from all of the changes, or that the treat she ate in the car upset her tummy.  She threw up again and had diarrhea.  Molly did really well through the night.  She only had to go outside once in the night. Amazing! But then again, she hadn't been feeling too great.  This morning she threw up again.  Timmy and I took her to the puppy ER.  She got an antibiotic shot, a shot for nausea, and fluids.  She did not like the shots at all. :(  It was the first time she even whimpered though.  She has been so good.

So now, she's a little lethargic still, and not eating much. But she is eating some!!! Yay!! This is what she has done most of the day.

So...the lady we got her from has been awesome.  We emailed her to let her know what was going on.  Some of the other puppies she has were showing some of the same signs.  She took them to the vet, and they tested positive for Parvo. :( So we're pretty sure that is what Molly has.  Our vet this morning told us that if it is Parvo, we caught it early and it is treatable.  I sure hope so.  This little girl has already stolen my heart. I'm ready for her to feel better so we can see her personality come out again.  She does love to be outside in the grass...she perks up when she goes outside.

We will go back to the vet tomorrow.  I'm sure Molly will be quarantined for a while, but I'll have to ask him how long.  When she gets better, she needs to meet all her aunts and uncles and cousins.  She's a good friend.

Welcome to the Collins family Molly!

Communion reading JH 2 2011

Life is hard and cold and windy, and we’d like God to just make it all better. And yet life has a way of continuing.

God be our strength.

Our feet keep moving, inspite the fact that our mouths are saying “I can’t do this”.

God be our motivator.

Walking humbly means just walking. And walking. And walking some more.  Even when you don’t know why you walk or where you walk.  Even when you just want to go home.

God be our comfortor.

To walk humbly is to trust there is a point, to bite your tongue when you want to demand an explanation from God, to grasp desperately onto the possibility that He knows what He is doing.

God guide us.

To walk humbly is to wonder where you are going and to walk anyway.

God be our light.

Amen.

Raw emotion

started writing this Friday morning


So, I'm sitting in my beautiful house, watching the end of the Royal Wedding. Something I have been looking forward to all week. It's a big reality to me that the world continues to move around you even in your crisis.  Because your life is at a standstill because of tragedy or death, the world doesn't stop...even if you feel like it should.

I cannot begin to describe the last two days. It started with a 5 AM wake-up call by tornado sirens, thunder, lightening and lots and lots of wind. It's amazing how much damage that early morning storm caused...and there was more to come. I watched the first Cullman tornado form in the sky as the news cameras caught it live, and the horrific destruction it made in such a beautiful town.  All day long, tornado after tornado. Then we watched the tornado forming in Tuscaloosa. This massive, violent, terrifying, only seen in the movies tornado.  I could tell you exactly what it was hitting as we watched in get bigger on the tv screen. I cried. I still cry.

I called my mom while watching the tornado to make sure that she knew about it.  I knew there were power outages from the morning storm, and I didn't know if they had power or not.  They did. They were sitting in the hallway watching it on tv. Then we lost the tv feed, and cell phones were out. Sick doesn't even describe the feeling.  I couldn't get through to my mom again. I couldn't get through to my grandparents.

Then they start showing images of what was hit. CVS on McFarland and 15th street. University Mall. DCH.   Then they showed Milo's and Hobby Lobby.  My grandparents' house is 2 or 3 blocks from there. I was freaking out.  I couldn't get in touch with anyone. Then I got a voicemail from my mom. "We're ok. The house is not, but we're ok." I melted down the wall and bawled. One of those heaving cries where you can't catch your breath. I was finally able to walk upstairs and tell Timmy what the message said. Then I said, "We have to get in touch with Grandma and Grandpa".  We figured landlines were down, and that is all they have. No cell phone.  I couldn't get Patrick.  Every once in a while my mom could get through to me. I'm not sure how. Jamey finally got through to me and he asked if anyone had heard from Grandma and Grandpa. When I told him no, he headed straight there.  Later I found out that he couldn't get closer than Helen Keller Blvd. He jogged to the bridge on University that goes over Kicker Rd. That's where he saw the damage, and he took off. He ran over a mile to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  At the same time, Patrick was walking from Mom's house because no one could get in and out by car, and they were having trouble finding any information about Grandma and Grandpa, and no one had a way to get there.

Jamey found Grandma and Grandpa sitting on their couch in what was the living room...which now had no roof. I'll post pictures of it at some point.  The main thing is they were fine.  They made to the basement and were untouched.  If they hadn't had the basement...I don't even want to think about what could have happen.

Pictures make the destruction horrifying, but walking through it is beyond words.  Every where you look MASSIVE trees are uprooted. If not uprooted, the trees are snapped and twisted.  You can see distances you shouldn't be able to see.  Most places do not have power.  A lot of places do not have running water.  I have learned what the spray paint means that the fire departments puts on the walls when they check the homes.  And to see no deaths no injuries on some these homes...it is unreal.  How people survived this...miraculous.  But then there are people who didn't survive. The number keeps climbing, and will do so for days to come.

I haven't been able to sleep.  The first night it was the thought of Mom, Patrick and my Grandparents staying in those houses over night.  Last night is was the image of everything.  I kept seeing it...the rubble, the unfamiliarity of everything.  Places that were so familiar, I don't recognize at all.  It's so eerie. So eerie.

Mom and I drove through Alberta City last night. It was unbelievable that we could get through there, because the roads were blocked all day.  It was so dark.  There were lights on at the Piggly Wiggly...one of the only things standing, and they must have had a generator.  The Piggly Wiggly lights and police lights were the only lights around. We had been told that Alberta City was gone...it. was. gone. flat. unreal.

The elementary school I went to...gone.  The two houses where I spent most of my time...one is unrepairable, unlivable...the other is fixable, but it's horrifying to think that Mom and Patrick were in there.

here is a break in the time frame of writing. I started writing again Saturday night.

The stories we are hearing are unreal. You can't even fathom what the area is like until you walk through it and see things up close. People say "looks like a war zone", "looks like a bomb went off"...words don't even come close.

There are areas of the town that have been fairly easy to get to. Grandma and Grandpa's house...if you know the right streets, you can get there with no trouble.  Mom's house...it's a nightmare to get to.  Depending on who is guarding the street you can get in if you have an id with the street address on it...a different guard will tell you to park and walk in...almost 2 miles to mom's house.  Another person will say you can't get in at all.  Every day it gets a little bit easier because more streets are being cleared. Today we had issues getting around because power trucks were putting up new poles...but that's a good thing.

Progress is definitely being made.

We spent most of today moving things out of Grandma and Grandpa's house and packing up. It's amazing that the roof was taken off, but the contents of the attic were still there.  We pulled down some really incredible things that they had stored up there.  We found a box of all the letters Grandma and Grandpa wrote to each other during WWII...incredible!! Mom had never seen them before.

This is all really emotional for Grandma and Grandpa...and Mom too.  Mom is having to deal with two houses that are very important to her, and she really hasn't had time to deal with her house.  Most of our time has been spent at Grandma and Grandpa's house because we HAVE to get everything out of it.  60 years worth of things...it's a little overwhelming. Mom's house is tarped and ok for now, but she's still living out of a suitcase which is hard enough.

I'll probably still be processing things for a while.  Right now I'm just worried about Grandma and Grandpa.  This a huge change for them.  They built their house.  They raised their kids in their house.  They lived there close to 60 years. This is not a wanted change. It's a forced change...hard to handle at 85 years old. I'm glad they have each other. I'm glad we still have them.

I can't tell you how much I have cried.  Mom says "I just can't stop crying". It's overwhelming. Completely overwhelming. But I'm grateful everyone is ok.

God is nigh.

there is room enough for all of us

Lots on my heart today. I'm an emotional wreck.  One of my speech kids' house burned down last Wednesday. One week ago today.  Today was his first day back at school.  He's 3...he understands more than you would think, yet he still smiles and wants to hug everyone.  Children are resilient...but only to a point.  This little boy also has the "i can't" mentality already.  Again...he's 3.  He is a little boy who has ADHD...woah does he have ADHD.  He does not have the best home environment.  His older sister takes care of him most of the time.  He needs a mentor to guide him through life.  Thank God for people like Ms. Louisa, a paraprofessional in his classroom.  She is coordinating gathering money for a Walmart gift card to give to his family.

This afternoon, I was sitting in the parking lot of the YWCA...I do therapy there for a kindergartner named Marcus. He is awesome! He can turn my day around.  But while I was sitting in the parking lot, engrossed in twitter, or facebook or whatever I was looking at on my Iphone, I hear "excuse me".  There was a man standing outside of my car trying to get my attention.  He proceeds to tell me that he is a homeless christian who is trying to get food and water, and if I had either that I could give him he would really appreciate it.  Well, I had a half empty bottle of water, and a nutragrain bar that I found after he had gone.  Without even hesitating I pulled out all of the cash that I had ($7) and said will this be enough for you to get something to eat...um...i didn't hesitate. Woah.  I always hesitate when a strange man walks up to me, no matter what he looks like, no matter what he is asking for.  A homeless person asks you for money for food...what do you do? Most people would say "buy him food, don't give him money".

A few weeks ago there was a verse read during the contemporary worship service...

• Luke 6:30 Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back.

Give to everyone who asks of you....that has really stuck with me.  I have no idea why, but it has.  I don't have a lot to give, but I do have something to give.  I realize more and more everyday how selfish and materialistic I am. It is ridiculous. Give to everyone who asks of you.  That could get overwhelming...yes...but who am I to judge someone's need as legit or not.

During the youth worship service tonight we sang Come Ye Sinners.  I know I have sang it before, but tonight it got to me. I cried...me and my emotions.  Mary Katherine Mize also sang Please Come...one of my absolute favorite songs.  It REALLY made me cry.  There are lots of memories connected to that song.  The theme of the lesson was Hospitality.

It is easy to be hospitable to our friends and our family.  It is easy to be hospitable to people we hold in high regards...but what about the homeless, or the ADHD kid who is driving you crazy?  What about the other people?

Oh the days when I drew lines around my faith
To keep you out, to keep me in, to keep it safe
And oh, the sense of my own self-entitlement
To say who's wrong or won't belong or cannot stay.

Come ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
Full of pity, love, and power.

There is room enough for all of us. Please come.
And the arms are open wide enough. Please come.
And our parts are never greater than the sum.
This is the heart of the One
Who stands before an open door, and bids us come.

And I will arise and go to Jesus
And He will embrace me in His arms.
And in the arms of my dear Savior
Oh, there are ten thousand charms.

Does this make us old?

One of the things Timmy and I have both been looking forward to in regards to owning a home is having a yard to work in.  Boy have we got a yard to work with.  I am a little impatient, and a little overwhelmed.  I have visions in my head that I want to happen immediately (i dont want to wait)....and there is a LOT to do (so some things will have to wait ): ).  It really appears that our yard has not really been "worked in" in at least 5 years, maybe longer.  This is going to be a process. A long process.  BUT I'M SO EXCITED!!!

So this week is spring break.  I am out of school, and Timmy has taken the week off because his youth are out of school.  We have planned out a space for a vegetable garden.  Timmy has planned how to build a raised garden, and the cedar planks have been purchased.  We have trees to plant.  We have blueberry bushes!!  We have seeds to sow.  We have bulbs to plant! Ohmygoodness, and the list of wants and dreams continues to grow.

We bought a crepe myrtle today...does that mean we're an old married couple now?  We are both really excited about it...

I really cannot describe how excited I am to have a vegetable and herb garden.  We're going to make a compost bin too!!! Timmy laughs at me for certain things I do, and he'll say something like "why do you like that?" or "why do you want that?"....because my mom did it, or my mom has one.  So, yes. My mom has a compost pile, and I love it. And I want one.  But it is so much more than wanting one just because my mom has one....it is functional.  I feel like it is using waste effectively.  Plus...compost is good for gardening! Duh!

I'm trying not to get my expectations up too high for this week.  I have a list of things to get done, but I do not expect our yard to look polished and complete by the end of the week.  I think it's going to be fun...I hope it doesn't rain too much.

We made sure to take some before pictures of the yard so that once everything is finished...no telling when that will be...we can see what changes took place.

This is where we will put the vegetable garden.  It will be centered under the basement window, and will have two tiers.  

Today is Saturday night...we'll see how I'm feeling about all of this in a week. Ha! I'll probably be sore and sleepy. You can pretty much tell how my mind is functioning right now when you see how I've written this blog. It's a bit all over the place...a bit scattered.  I have so many things in my head that I want to accomplish...my mind is all over the place.  This week...the goal is the vegetable garden...and to get all of our trees and bushes in the ground....and to plant the bulbs I've bought.  And if we have time...get a new mailbox, and plant flowers around the mailbox.  Is that too much? Focus...vegetable garden.

Operation vegetable garden...here I come! Pictures at some point...when, I'm not sure. But they will come.

oh me

I know I can be difficult.  I can overreact to the dumbest things. My sensitivity level is off the charts...so be careful, feelings can be hurt way too easily around here.  It's silly, really.  There are definitely times when I wish I was tougher, when things wouldn't mean quite so much, or when I wouldn't respond how I typically do.  But then again, there are times when I don't show enough emotion.  I don't let people know how much I DO enjoy something.

My emotions have been on high alert lately.  We'll say we're at a level orange. High risk of tears and seclusion.  All I have really wanted to do lately is be by myself. Be quiet. And eat popcorn. Sounds healthy, huh?

I am a quiet person.  My family is a quiet family...for the most part.  It really does bother me when people are absurdly loud. I don't need to hear your phone conversation.  I don't want to have to scream over you to be heard by someone 2 feet away from me.

I enjoy being social and being around friends, but it is in the quiet times that I recharge.  It takes a lot out of me when I turn on the greeting acquaintances face.  Like I said, it's not that I don't enjoy being social...I just NEED time by myself. I really am a much better person when I get that time.  The trouble comes when I can't seem to get out of the "I just want to be by myself funk".  I've been there for a while now.

This kind of funk can be confusing.  I want to be by myself....but that doesn't mean the same thing when it comes to Timmy as it does for other people.  I want him around more than normal when I'm stuck here.  It's probably not much fun for him though because I'm a grump, and he thinks I need to be by myself (which any normal person would think that)...and then my feelings get hurt because he's giving me my space.  I'm crazy, right?

I don't handle it well when Timmy gets really busy at the church.  I mean, he's always busy at the church, but there are times when he is REALLY busy.  This week is one of those weeks.  So, I'm trying to distance myself a little bit so I don't interfere, and so that I'm not the needy wife watching the clock and sending him messages every 30 minutes asking him when he's coming home....I don't think it's working.  I think I'm just making things worse, because...guess what....my feelings are getting hurt.  But I'll move on and I'll be fine.

I'll put on my brave face, and wait for tomorrow to pass.  The next morrow will bring a little bit of quiet. Enough quiet to get me through until the next go round of crazy.

learning to live, living to love

I probably start a blog at least once a week, and I either don't finish it, or I think what I've written is lame. Therefore, it does not get published.  Here's another shot at it.

I think my issue is a long lasting fear of embarrassing myself or sounding stupid.  I'm still quiet, but as I've gotten older...and more mature? maybe?....I've found that I am a little more confident in myself, and I speak out more and more.  I think I'll always fear sounding stupid and embarrassing myself.

Maybe that's why I work with kids. They like being silly, and it's ok to sound stupid.  You just laugh. No embarrassment...just laughter.  Plus the kids move on to something else so quickly that they forget whatever you did that was embarrassing.

I have to say, there is nothing like walking into a room of 10+ 3 and 4 years old to hear "Miss Mary!!" at the top of their lungs.  Pure love. Unconditional love.  Even if you make them mad...1 minute later, they love you still and are persistently asking you to sit by them or give them a hug or high five or telling you some off the wall story about going to eat at McDonald's and getting an awesome Buzz Light Year toy or the dinosaur movie they watched ten times last night.

I cannot wait to be a mom....(sorry Timmy...it's out there...but you already know this). I'm getting little glimpses of God's love through Timmy and through these kids at work.  I mean, I realize more and more each day how much I love Timmy, and how much I love my family.  They mean the world to me!  I can only imagine a parents' love for a child.

I remember being in high school and the thought of "love" seemed like such a fairy tale to me.  It was knights and princesses, and ballgowns and pearls.  But as I have grown and experienced love, I have realized that the fairy tale has nothing to with it. Love is putting someone else before yourself. It's leaving that last piece of bread on the table because someone else may still be hungry. Love is listening. Love is watching your spouse play XBox for 2 hours. Love is understanding that it is OK for your spouse not to want to watch you play XBox for 2 hours and to do two separate things.  There is sacrifice in love, but when you both contribute that sacrifice...beautiful things happen.  Love is still so much more. More than I can put into words.


I am so incredibly grateful.  I am loved.