oh me

I know I can be difficult.  I can overreact to the dumbest things. My sensitivity level is off the charts...so be careful, feelings can be hurt way too easily around here.  It's silly, really.  There are definitely times when I wish I was tougher, when things wouldn't mean quite so much, or when I wouldn't respond how I typically do.  But then again, there are times when I don't show enough emotion.  I don't let people know how much I DO enjoy something.

My emotions have been on high alert lately.  We'll say we're at a level orange. High risk of tears and seclusion.  All I have really wanted to do lately is be by myself. Be quiet. And eat popcorn. Sounds healthy, huh?

I am a quiet person.  My family is a quiet family...for the most part.  It really does bother me when people are absurdly loud. I don't need to hear your phone conversation.  I don't want to have to scream over you to be heard by someone 2 feet away from me.

I enjoy being social and being around friends, but it is in the quiet times that I recharge.  It takes a lot out of me when I turn on the greeting acquaintances face.  Like I said, it's not that I don't enjoy being social...I just NEED time by myself. I really am a much better person when I get that time.  The trouble comes when I can't seem to get out of the "I just want to be by myself funk".  I've been there for a while now.

This kind of funk can be confusing.  I want to be by myself....but that doesn't mean the same thing when it comes to Timmy as it does for other people.  I want him around more than normal when I'm stuck here.  It's probably not much fun for him though because I'm a grump, and he thinks I need to be by myself (which any normal person would think that)...and then my feelings get hurt because he's giving me my space.  I'm crazy, right?

I don't handle it well when Timmy gets really busy at the church.  I mean, he's always busy at the church, but there are times when he is REALLY busy.  This week is one of those weeks.  So, I'm trying to distance myself a little bit so I don't interfere, and so that I'm not the needy wife watching the clock and sending him messages every 30 minutes asking him when he's coming home....I don't think it's working.  I think I'm just making things worse, because...guess what....my feelings are getting hurt.  But I'll move on and I'll be fine.

I'll put on my brave face, and wait for tomorrow to pass.  The next morrow will bring a little bit of quiet. Enough quiet to get me through until the next go round of crazy.

learning to live, living to love

I probably start a blog at least once a week, and I either don't finish it, or I think what I've written is lame. Therefore, it does not get published.  Here's another shot at it.

I think my issue is a long lasting fear of embarrassing myself or sounding stupid.  I'm still quiet, but as I've gotten older...and more mature? maybe?....I've found that I am a little more confident in myself, and I speak out more and more.  I think I'll always fear sounding stupid and embarrassing myself.

Maybe that's why I work with kids. They like being silly, and it's ok to sound stupid.  You just laugh. No embarrassment...just laughter.  Plus the kids move on to something else so quickly that they forget whatever you did that was embarrassing.

I have to say, there is nothing like walking into a room of 10+ 3 and 4 years old to hear "Miss Mary!!" at the top of their lungs.  Pure love. Unconditional love.  Even if you make them mad...1 minute later, they love you still and are persistently asking you to sit by them or give them a hug or high five or telling you some off the wall story about going to eat at McDonald's and getting an awesome Buzz Light Year toy or the dinosaur movie they watched ten times last night.

I cannot wait to be a mom....(sorry Timmy...it's out there...but you already know this). I'm getting little glimpses of God's love through Timmy and through these kids at work.  I mean, I realize more and more each day how much I love Timmy, and how much I love my family.  They mean the world to me!  I can only imagine a parents' love for a child.

I remember being in high school and the thought of "love" seemed like such a fairy tale to me.  It was knights and princesses, and ballgowns and pearls.  But as I have grown and experienced love, I have realized that the fairy tale has nothing to with it. Love is putting someone else before yourself. It's leaving that last piece of bread on the table because someone else may still be hungry. Love is listening. Love is watching your spouse play XBox for 2 hours. Love is understanding that it is OK for your spouse not to want to watch you play XBox for 2 hours and to do two separate things.  There is sacrifice in love, but when you both contribute that sacrifice...beautiful things happen.  Love is still so much more. More than I can put into words.


I am so incredibly grateful.  I am loved.